A maddening numbness and numbing rage

Since the Taliban took over Afghanistan in mid August, a maddening numbness and numbing rage took over me.  How could this happen? The shock has singed me, like a horrible burn. I, the collective we,  all of us, witnessed the headlines now and then, that major cities were falling like paper houses the couple of weeks before. It was like watching a wreck, right next door, but I wasn't really engaging with it, following up by reading news, but just silently ignoring it , I suppose. There's a guilt in seeing bad news. On top of all the ideological  , anti-imperial rage one is constantly brewing within. And, then Kabul fell and, it was just numbing and shocking. How could it happen? Then, there were the scenes of people at the Airport, falling of planes, Americans pissing off, Facebook groups sharing information on how to get their staff and colleagues out, the American President spewing the usual criminal rhetoric, etc. This is a country we are talking about, not a burning house. But that is what we went through in August and September and now we see a headline or two about how a bomb blast has killed so many in Afghanistan or how Afghan women are protesting and so on. 

How do you deal with the anger? With the shock? 

I made a few self righteous posts on Facebook and discussed the fall of Kabul intensely in my WhatsApp and now, Signal groups.   

A few drunk stragglers, crazies stormed the Capitola and, the American liberal Democrats couldn't stop weeping. They couldn't handle it. They couldn't handle Trump. But today, as their country is pissing off from Afghanistan, a country that was invaded in their name, in the name of their safety after 9-11, all of Afghanistan has fallen to the Taliban. Condemn your leadership, Americans, you have left Afghanistan at the hands of the Taliban, who more than anything are living breathing nightmare for women.

Afghanistan was allowed to fall. The Americans and NATO made a departure deal with Taliban before they pissed off. This much seems to be clear. Now, these last few days, Americans have taken control of the Kabul Airport to ensure they flee like rats and have been firing at the desperate crowds also wanting to flee.

In our progressive ideological stance, calling out the US only is not enough nor accurate. These incompetent revengeful white supremacists are a corrupt fading empire. They spent a trillion dollars on the War on Terror and more but can't pay their teacher salaries. They are a hyper violent society. They know war. They know how to gun down black people. Or go all the way to Latin America to say "don't come, don't come." There are other players supporting the Taliban. Although not being interrogated enough in the international headlines, EVERYONE in my circles is analysing the geopolitics of this and plainly saying CHINA and RUSSIA are backing the Taliban and other regional players. Call out these too.

The grief in the feminist circles in Islamabad was palpable , raw and terrible. We all mourned at the spectre of Afghanistan falling to the very definition of modern misogyny.  There was a lot of analysis and discussion about what was going on, how and why could Afghanistan have fallen in a couple of weeks. It showed me how much if you don't follow development in the news, it's hard to make sense of reality. For example, I never really followed the talks with the Taliban in Qatar and, the geopolitics. There are places in this world which are gripped in violent conflict but one doesn't pay attention beyond headlines and, can't muster any analysis or reaction beyond an emotional or sensational one.

I didn't make any social media post since August because I was kind of engulfed with the stupidity and absurdity of making political posts on a Big Tech platform. Every day we are reminded of how we are merely helping these White Tech Boys make bank, while we fight culture wars online and live in our own self righteous ideological bubbles. What is the point? What's the point of anything honestly?

I was mad at the posts about trying to get colleagues out. Is this what we are reduced to? Getting a few people out and absolving ourselves of real responsibility as citizens of countries who are complicit in the war and occupation in Afghanistan? But at least that action is better than making stupid Facebook posts against the American War Machine and White-Aged-Vampire-Wearing-Aviators-Blood-Sucking President.

Everything is churning inside me like something rotten, putrid, angry, sick. The invasion and bombing of Afghanistan was one of the first great criminal and imperial acts of my early youth. These are the first few months of me coming back to Pakistan after completing my undergrad in London. There was 9-11 and, the fearful anticipation of the American act of vengeance. I remember standing in the kitchen on the ground floor here in Islamabad thinking about Americans carpet bombing one of the poorest countries in the world, our very neighbours, our brothers and sisters. The rage I felt , I can still remember it. Of course, then Afghanistan and its misery and Western occupation opened fat jobs in the UN as do all wars. I found myself in Kabul, Herat, Mazar, etc and, then the same UN took me to the other American mass crime , the invasion of Iraq. My early youth has totally been defined by American wars. 

I was in Islamabad back in the early 2000s when Afghanistan was being crushed by the Americans, invaded to liberate its women from the Taliban and here I happen to be in Islamabad again in 2021 when Afghanistan falls back to the Taliban. My life has come full circle. Has history ever repeated itself like this?