Thursday, 8 October 2009

Lonely thoughts of despair and sorrow

There is a world of difference between how I imagine the world 'should' behave and how they actually behave. Despite the fact that I try to hold myself up to high standards of conduct or at least how I think should behave and present myself, I find that the 'world' does not see it so.

I find it very amusing that in such a traumatic time, people are so determined to dish out extremely detailed advice to me. Some do not even bother to ask me what I would like to do.

At the end of it, I know I have to find a path which will eventually lead me to some kind of peace and solace. I do not even know what this path will be but I have to find this path. I have friends to support me but as I used to say to myself before, friends are companions on paths we walk alone. I always had a very morose view of things but guess what, life has certainly showed me the awful, ugly and horrible more than once now. I have been shown how fragile and dangerous life actually is. I feel like I have been thrown into a dark pit of despair once again.

There is nothing nothing beautiful about this. I missed him for a year, I had just about fallen part, unravelled at being alone and away from Wesley. I missed him every day, every night. I was so happy with him. We struggled to be together. We moved three continents to be together. Despite all the hardships we faced, we were happy together and knew each other and were natural together. And now he's gone. From me forever. I shall never hold him or be in those arms which I longed for this whole year away from him. He was taken so cruelly from me. I came back to an empty Liberia, a dark Monrovia without him. That night I arrived in Monrovia, I arrived in a dark RIA, heart broken that Wesley would not be outside the gate waiting for me as usual.

I was sitting by the beach the other day and thought to myself that, yes, the ocean is immense enough to hold my grief and all the tears that I still have not cried yet. The next evening, it was a darker and stormer sea which felt like the darkness, the jungle that swallowed up Wesley. It menacingly thrashed on the shore and I felt scared and lost.

My heart still does not know what has really happened. I do not know what life is trying to tell me.

Wez would always encourage me, give it to me straight and want me to do the right thing. He really taught me how to live. I also know that one's life is one's own. I am going to continue to try to do the right thing but also live for myself.

I hope to find this path and I am sure it will reveal itself to me soon.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Screw you Anon. Farzana, do what gives you structure. Cry when you wish to and laugh when you can. No matter how painful it is, your life is real. I do hope, however, that you may be intoxicated with the presence of God once again, if anything, it'll numb the pain. As sadistic as it may sound and despite how much you'll hate someone to say this to you: The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. - Kahlil Gibran

  3. Anon # 1, bless your sadistic heart. Anon #2 - thanks very much. I don't know whether I'll be believing in God but I certainly do believe that having experienced pain and sorrow can give one immense capacity to experience deep love and joy. I certainly do.