2020

Reflecting on the past year and, proposing personal resolutions and, nurturing hopes for the new year can be a mental exercise. It is an attempt to make sense of , to interpret a certain time period. 

Time. 

2020 became 'frozen time' for so many, locked in homes and countries. Daily drudgery, hobbies, socialising and, plans came to a halt as the Corona Virus Pandemic came to affect everyone. It was, among other things, a year of immersing in time - traveling Netflix series like Dark and Umbrella Academy and, diving into nerdy science content like Star Talk with Neil deGrasse Tyson. 

Timespace. I felt we had entered an altogether unique timespace in 2020. If time is inherently linked to space and, speed, then, 2020 was : a spaceship hurtling even faster into a blackhole (disaster) , moving at the speed of light, but for the aloof and ignorant and privileged lot, it was as if time stood still, and everyone was stuck, bored at home. 

Militarised lockdowns sent millions of migrant workers from urban centres to rural areas and smaller towns in India. The haunting images of this violence , of this discarding of millions of lives, like ants, not only evoked the Partition but also rage at inept right wing states. The chaos of 2020 evoked rage at states and leaders for how little they seemed to be prepared for a Pandemic. The ensuing social crises emanating from lockdowns , from not only poorly managed lockdowns but also the apparent lack of scientific and social preparation , showed us a clearer glimpse of what the future looks like. 

In fact, the future had arrived. If this sense of doom, this sense of horror at the social crises, felt like this, imagine what life would be like if the planet did indeed become 2 degrees warmer. (Hint: if don't do anything about climate change) 

So, I've been thinking a lot about time and how we perceive it. Individually, it seemed as if timespace came to a standstill, nothing much happening to me, fixed constantly in one point, in the house. 

I noticed the absurdity of saying "I can't believe how times flies" or " I can't believe the year is over." Either this is small talk or, literally means, we haven't had the time to think about passing of time.  Or, accepted that things have turned out the way they have. 

If you want to read a great piece about time and 2020 , read Time in the time of coronavirus: Where did 2020 go? It's more specifically about how majority of the world in a near constant state of anxiety and uncertainty and, for us privileged folks, the little time we spent in self isolation was a tiny peek - a very privileged peek - into a nightmarish reality: 

Ringel observes that, for many, the sensation of “stuckness” is nothing new thanks to the “acceleration of time” produced by neoliberal capitalism, which has “put humanity into crisis mode for several decades already” by disappearing welfare states and job security and generally relegating the masses to infinite precariousness.

And, metaphors related to time machines, time and the universe, I assume you have read The Pandemic is a portal. 

Purpose, Worth, Entitlement, Place and Value

I have been in Pakistan now for almost 2 years, wholly unplanned and unimagined. So, this time for me, is even more unexplained and inspires the "I can't believe I've been here for 2 years." 

I couldn't even write a decent reflection for 2019. See this half baked from last year "An unwanted year." I couldn't clearly come to terms with it , so much so I named it an unwanted year. 

I have been seeing this time period as a limbo, an unexpected medical crisis and, the uncertainty that came with it. I have been 'stuck' here in Pakistan, away from my Monrovia apartment, away from my partner Haresh, and, having to pass time here. 

I did not have an official job either with Zoom meeting calls during this Pandemic either. That I did not have this kept popping up in my mind but I did have a whole lot of online school classes to help Kavita with. 

I have been applying for jobs for a while now, without much success. I applied for development sector jobs in Monrovia and Islamabad, hoping to line something up. I reached final interview stage many, many times. I have answered questions like " How do you prepare for a meeting?" , "How do you support struggling staff?" and, "Describe a team building exercise." How does a 41 year old answer "How do you prepare for a meeting"? All these questions seemed so elementary, so idiotic and, barely covering any serious skill or experience. I interviewed for a senior position for a women's empowerment NGO and not asked a single question about feminism or women's issue in said country. 

I have interviewed and recruited dozens and dozens of people for my little IT company with more in-depth and, honest interviews. But the interview processes I have been through have been so impersonal, vague and confusing. And, none of them have been especially very technical, making you wonder, what kind of people work in this sector? 

I reached final interviews with the UN and, wouldn't hear back for 6 months. The setback I felt in not bagging any gig in Monrovia has been a constant sore because I've given, very intentionally and passionately, at least 15 years of my adult life to Monrovia. Notwithstanding the problems with international aid in Liberia (its neocolonial nature, a whole international roving crowd of technocrats/civil servants who have no link, commitment or understanding of the said country they would serve in), I felt I have the professional experience and qualifications to get a job in Monrovia.  I felt a sense of entitlement. 

And, then I wondered my CV attractive enough? Did I need to exaggerate? Bluff? Be more specific about  my achievements? 

In the end, I realised I am not merely a job , my connection or worth isn't conditional, and jobs are what they are, contracts and, cogs in the wheel. These jobs do not define us. Competition doesn't define us. And, a job cannot connect us to a place, a land. A job cannot give us worth. 

For this, Fuck the Bread. The Bread Is Over. really spoke to me in this regard! Read it! 

Did I learn anything? What did I think about? Do I think more clearly? 

I became fascinated with time traveling series such as Dark, Umbrella Academy, and, OA. I watched some amazing horror series , too, like Haunting of Hill House , Castle Rock and Haunting of Bly Manor. Extremely beautiful and deeply moving stories were told via time travel and horror. 

The series they make today are so incredibly well produced that one really does delve into, disappear into these stories. One feels one has immersed oneself into another universe, another reality. They can be as satisfying as reading a novel. 

I often write a lot but this past year has been a dry spell. Words and the ability to process, interpret and, write about what's going on have been short. I often think more clearly when I write and, perhaps this explains the fog in my head. 

Nevertheless, I did doodle a lot and, have been trying to express myself through doodles. Kavita and I also made a lot of YouTube videos. 

I yearn for creativity and, being able to create something. 

Besides yearning for creativity, I created a WhatsApp group with some friends from all over to have some insightful conversations. Discussions about our political reality made me appreciate the strides I have made intellectually recently. It made me think about how most of us are not making the necessary links to understand problems structurally and historically.  

We may be all feminists but still struggle to link imperialism , capitalism to patriarchy. We may be feminists but don't have a sense of history. Even of our lands and peoples. We may be feminists but aren't radical enough. 

The Left organises Study Circles and, I have benefitted from the sheer learning in these spaces. Intellectual strengthening , political understanding and lucidity are crucial for all of us, especially those who want to support movements and peoples' struggles. 

Not taking a political approach to our reality is not a luxury anymore, whether you are young or old. And, the Pandemic has, if anything, made this very clear. 

One of the poignant moments for me was  - during the circus that is the American elections - realising how far one has come along since the election of Obama. How we all swooned over him, how we all swelled with happiness at the idea of a black man finally assuming the office, and, all that. This year, in all these fervent discussions about the imperialist nature of American Presidents, regardless of which Party they hail from, I realised how small Obama has become in our minds. 

I am so over personalities. 

Kavita is my companion 

You will notice in most of my evening walk posts that I'm always saying "we." This year , especially, Kavita has become my companion. She and I do everything together, especially when it comes to walking adventures, discovering new eateries, shopping for stationery together, reviewing burgers and, watching movies. 

I really enjoyed watching Stranger Things, Locke and Key and Umbrella Academy with her, I can tell you that. Many of my adult friends and partner Haresh don't even understand time travel or fantasy. 

Kavita's 7th year has been a great one to be her companion. Being 7 is truly a magical time.