Happy 10th birthday, Kavita, my daughter

I declare today Day of Kavita, a girl born to me, of me, from me to this world 10 years ago today. She was named in 2001, when I first dreamed of, after the passing of my university friend, and promised I would name my daughter Kavita. Kavita was somehow already born in my body 12 years before Kavita's birth.  

Thanks to the British dividing up Indian peoples on communal lines, her Indian father and I belong to enemy states. Haresh convinced me to deliver the baby in the US to get citizenship on birth so our daughter would have a "neutral" passport. It was a very difficult decision because I promised myself never to set foot in the United States after it brutally invaded Iraq in 2003. I was hosted by my Liberian-Zimbabwean-American best friend whom I share my political beliefs with so that was a consolation. Ironically, my own relatives were not really the choice even though my own father had helped them with visas to the US. Her birth was eagerly followed by friends around the world whom we kept updated on email. My brother made it to the birth , was so eager that he wanted to be in the room where I was going to have a C section, and after she was born somehow convinced us to replace the middle name with Komal instead of Sakina because he thought she needed a Muslim sounding name. So, instead of Kavita Sakina Karamchandani, her passport is Komal Kavita Karamchandani. I wanted to give Kavita name of Sakina as a middle name because it's common to both my father (his deceased sister) and mother (her own late mother). Niceness obligated us to accept my brother's patriarchal nonsense. He was so concerned about supposed Muslim bias against a Hindu name projecting his own anti Hindu bias. Since then he has married an English lady .  Never again, will I or Kavita be coerced by patriarchal threats and, instead we claim our South Asian heritage and culture ourselves. Kavita is a symbol of my love for my sister friends, friends who have been like a family to me. She's a symbol of unity despite colonial divisions. She's a symbol of secular and social hope. She's a symbol of a woman's dream to become a mother and, that motherhood doesn't have to be defined in a narrow patriarchal marriage only. 

In fact, as I install in Kavita ideas and principles to navigate the patriarchy and to avoid internalised problematic ideas, I think the question to think about for girls and women should be " Do I want to be a mother?" instead of dreaming about fairy tales, romance and marriage. 

I would have liked to give Kavita a sibling but alas, it's not happened. I have been able, though, to give all my attention and love to her. She has flourished. I have taken the same approach as my parents, especially my father, teaching Kavita about good music, films, language, expression and a steady dose of politics and history. So, for me, motherhood has been about giving my daughter the utmost attention and love and, helping her to develop her intellect and artistic and music side.  I have made an effort to teach her Urdu despite my limitations.  I believe she will have a strong identity one which will be rooted to the lands she belongs to. 

I made these cards and scanned them as a digital file to upload on social media. I've drawn Kavita as a girl with a hat with a feather but have lately realised the history of the phrase A feather in your cap. Needless to say I thought the feather is a whimsical but strong image , a girl who wears hats with feathers , rather than a Tiara-Princess image. 

I have doodled this girl many times in my notebooks to show Kavita doing all that she does: playing the guitar, drinking tea, swinging on swings and reading books. No phone or tablet in sight! 

I suppose there is an idealised extension of myself in Kavita, an idealised and nostalgic yearning for my own childhood and sense of self. What is the self? The self is not only our private mind and imagination and, physical body but also an identity that is embodied by our families, family history and language.  I believe I have picked up the best from my childhood and given to Kavita and more. The more is feminism! I have poured myself into Kavita and, sometimes I feel I don't know where I end and where she starts. 

As I celebrate her 10th birthday, I yearn motherhood once again. I yearn for the days of wonder when she was born and, all those magical moments since then.