Mid-week thoughts

Dude, I have been having a good week. Lemme see, I am going to land a nice sweet order for a LOT of IT kit for that mining company. I WILL be finally starting that maintenance contract with the other big-ass mining company. So whaddya know? I'll be dealing with the mining industry.

I have just come from sorting out salaries for February so that's a good feeling. It's good to be boss, man. It's good to be able to take care of your team, being able to pay salaries.

Still collecting payments, though. It's so hard to get the money out from some jerk clients. I hope none of them reads my blog. Oh well, the good thing is that some cool clients pay me on time so it sort of balances out. And in my new life, I need very little to take care of myself. I mean, I've got some clients who actually take ME out to dinner, get me great gifts. People are always paying for me, bringing me things , I go hang out with all the Mama's (Susu, Benu, Rebecca, what have you) who just take care of me.

What else happened? Well, I ran into someone I have been meeting off and on at Mamba Point hotel the other day. It was really funny. This is someone who consulted with my organisation when I used to work with at the UN in 3 different missions. We haven't seen each other since 2 years or more but he recognised me and called my name. I couldn't even remember this fellow's name. It was pretty funny.

Oh, I got blanked by a friend the other day. It's weird, eh? After all that happened to me, some people have behaved really wonderful with me and some have behaved weirdly. I guess crises really show you who your real family and friends are.

My team is doing well and I have THREE trainees on board now. I love the vibe amongst them. They really click with each other and I can't tell you what a cool working atmosphere we have (except when I am grumpy). The trainees work as hard as the staff and are really really eager to learn, contribute and be part of a company. We just pay them transportation and they come in every day. You should see how the senior staff 'teaches' them. Afterall, I don't know IT so it's the seniors' jobs to give the trainees training. Kennedy clearly loves to teach and he delivers great note-taking lectures. I watch with fasincation as it all happens. I even watch in amusement as they started teasing one of the new trainees and, had to remind myself I must stop it at one point lest the poor kid thinks I am condoning it. I swear, it's like being a school teacher sometimes. What I am saying essentially is that I like the atmosphere I have. I am still very managerial/dragon lady but I balance it with some occasional jokes, self-depreciating jokes, the morning meetings, and not controlling the show too much.

Of course, I still lose it. LEC is doing my head in. It's making me see RED all the time. Their power outtakes are driving me up the wall. I was first handling it well by shifting my ass to Mama Susu or to Haresh's store but it's just getting on my nerves. The internet is always slow elsewhere and I just can't work. It took me ALL day today to write one invoice and send it over. Oh my freaking GOD, I HATE THE LEC.

Not only is LEC-related stress driving me up the wall, it is making me go NUTS. I had to do some research on a plastic card printer and I thought I'd ask one contact which one they're using. So I call them up and they tell me they're using an Evoli product. By the time I went on the Internet to look for this company, I couldn't remember what it was. I ended up looking up 'Mollusk' and 'Obelisk' for half hour. Don't ask.

I have decided that I want to get into being an ISP at some point. Why? Well, the greedy GSM companies are providing crap service. There are some other ISPs which are decent but they are expensive as hell. So Farzana and her amazing IT company come in as a new ISP. We come in with really competitive, I mean are-you-kidding-me?-competitive pricing and just take over the market. I mean, we blow everyone out of the water. We just grab the market. That happens in year 1. And in year 2, we get all of our money back and more. Sweet, huh? Just watch this space.

So yes, it's been a good week so far. I have a good contract coming through. A good goods order. There's continuing work coming in from our current clients. We are busy. I am now becoming famous on the Liberia expats group although they thought I was a guy which I had to correct them on. I had a great lunch at Mamba Point the other day. I had a good Wednesday night dinner with some kids at Mama Susu's. I guess I am really taking to this new life where I am saving myself (enough with saving the world). I love this sense of I'm doing something for myself and working for myself.

Here's to a good month of March.

My dearest Wesley

My dearest Wesley,

O dream of my dreams, desire of my desires, the one I loved and still love, it is Friday evening and the sun setting is spreading its usual golden light across the sky. This golden sunshine is coming through the sheer curtains that used to be in our living room and now are in my office.

The week has come to a close and you'll be happy to know we worked really hard. Your boys are performing phenomenally well. Our clients are happy with the service we are providing. Guess what? We have added a few more clients - including a big ass mining company. Cool eh? I'll take over the world for you! The business is steadily growing, we are going from strength to strength, building a pipeline of clients and projects. I've also put in expressions of interest for UNDP and for an American NGO. What's more, I'm gelling with your team. Can you imagine? I used to be such a terror to your office and now I have ended up working with them. They must be like, our luck, we have to work with the dragon lady. But no worries, I am working on my temper and have learned to chill out.

The funniest thing is that I totally understand your sense of humour now. Even Linga has picked up your mannerisms including joking around.

I think I have chilled out a little bit because I no longer work at a dysfunctional bureaucracy. I totally get how much you loved being your own boss and deciding your own fate.

I sometimes think this whole thing is surreal and you are not dead and I am not actually running YOUR company.

What else can I say on this Friday evening at 6:30 pm? I feel a sense of peace at this very moment thinking of you and all that you have left me behind. I think you left me a real opportunity and destiny. I think I can really make something of this.

My heart swells with pride for you thinking about this. I love you even more.

So my darling, please know I love you and you were the passion in life. I do not know whether I will ever see you again and which freaking form it will be. You know how you were a born-again aetheist and how much I was leaning towards it too? Well, my china, we're in a bit of a pickle. If there's no freaking thereafter, how the hell are we supposed to meet? So let me believe there's something after this life.

Love and many many kisses,

Your Faz

Sunday walk

I had one of my long, work-out walks on Sunday, the kind I used to in my old life. I used to go for 2 or 3 hour walks all the way to Congo Town and back. My friend Chipo actually got me addicted to those walks. We'd solve the world problems, stop for ice-cream and just have a lot of fun.

Among all the things that I was nervous about doing again was the walk after Wesley. When I settled in with the business, I knew I had to start my walks again. It's the main exercise that I have, the main outlet for my physical and mental stress. I was very nervous though about starting those again. I felt too 'conscious' of myself, I am after all one of the few Asian women around who actually leave the house, I used to live and work around here..The worst feeling was the idea that I had no one to come home to after my walk.

For the first few walks, I took Joseph, my trusty housekeeper, my confidant, my everything, with me. After that, I settled back into my usual walk around Mamab Point. It was kind of painful at first but I have become an expert at blocking or repressing painful feelings. I mean, there's nothing to be done about it. Every corner, every street of Monrovia has memories of Wesley and I together. And even if I do not have a memory of us together, there is memory of my past life or the time when Wesley still had not come to Liberia to join me. There are literally pining spots in Monrovia when I used to miss him when he was far away from me.

I was out on this gone Saturday at a pool party in Congo Town. So I slept in on Sunday, got up late, had something to eat, read a lot and dozed back. I got up from a nap and just had an awful sense of nostalgia. I remembered my undergrad days in London and felt such a sense of nostalgia for those gone days, they seem like eons gone. I remembered my childhood days when the family was more or less in tact and happy. I missed my parents. I missed myself.

I remembered Sundays with Wesley and how easygoing they were. I used to go on Sunday walks and he'd scold me if I came home late. I missed making breakfast for him. I missed fighting for the remote control with him. I missed fighting for his attention like a little kid. I missed out movie marathons. I had such a sense of heart ache that it became hard to breathe. I felt these pangs of loneliness and despair, for the cruelty of my fate and his. I feel homeless. Utterly. I feel cheated.

I can't believe I have to live my life without him. And if there's an afterlife, maybe I'll get to see him again.

Life suddenly felt so meaningless in that moment when I was up and thinking lonely thoughts on my balcony. Whether I work hard or not, whether I struggle or not, whether I feel positive or not, he's gone. I can cry as many tears as possible, he'll still be dead. I can become a loser and vegetate and feel sorry for myself and he'll still be dead. I can be positive, strong and not let anyone know how many times my heart breaks in a single day, and he'll still be dead. I can go and roam this earth and look for him and he'll still be dead. This entire planet of six billion souls, mountains, rivers, deserts, eco systems, roads, cities, factories, corners, moments, lifetimes...feels empty for me.

I felt such a sense of heaviness but nevertheless dragged myself out for my walk. My heart lifted only a little bit when I heard some Arabic being recited on Newport Street where a goat was being sacrificed and some sort of function was on. I walked on and made my first round via the Masonic Temple. I made my second round and as the evening grew more golden and richer, I felt a bit of calm. One of the little kids beckoned to me and actually flirted and said, 'come here' to me and that made me laugh! His boldness and playfulness made me smile. I greeted the rest of the people who live along my route and felt better. By the time I had finished, all sweaty and red, I felt light.

So, my friend, many more Sunday walks lie ahead. I will walk on.

Pricing and clients and good will for my clients

As I add clients, get more business, negotiate contracts, invoice for various jobs and so on, I have to do a lot of head scratching.

One of the things I had planned for in my 'planning session' in December was to standardise my contracts and re-negotiate fees. We are totally undercharging and need to revise our fees.

In fact, one of my new clients told me I was under the market rate which made me 'competitive.' Actually, it made me a little 'mad' but I had to keep that part to myself. I thought we are pretty much it, that no one else out there even compares! In fact, I know that we do not really have any serious competition. Apparently one company we know of goes around doing maintenance on PCs with soap and water. Don't ask.

In another conversation with a good mate of mine who was once upon a time on the board for multi-million dollar companies but is now heeding the call of development, I realised I need to
really figure out my pricing and mark up and all that wonderful stuff to do with numbers. Numbers. It's like dealing with doctors.

So while I am trying to do a good cost pricing for my services, I also got some crappy feedback from some clients. Apparently, our service is good but we're slow. Usually, I do not quite believe the client because they're A) illiterate in IT B) are completely oblivious to the obstacles they themselves create when you're trying to do a job like you can't expect us to do maintenance or check without giving us access to the freaking PC or server C) you can't do a job in 2 seconds. I have also experienced extremely annoying clients who simply do not appreciate service. I knew this anyway, had seen Wesley deal with difficult clients. It was always at the back of my head. But when I heard this new feedback, I had to sit up and take stock beyond the operating procedures in place.

It turns out it's a combination of things - clients are still difficult and we also have some snail-speed issues. I'm finding ways to make both sides happy - i.e. client and my techies. I have to find a turn out time for Call Outs and Repairs and try to stick to that.

So while I sort out that out, I guess I am getting a better idea of how pricing works for services. I'm going to stick to my current rates for Call Outs and Repairs for the time being but try to price upwards for maintenance contracts.

As expected January is becoming incredibly busy and I am thriving in the madness of it. The other night, I was up until 2 am, crunching invoices and proposals. It was fantastic. I feel so alive when I have to be coordinating and juggling 10 jobs at a day. The team is really coming together. Our trainee did his first call out and actually made money for the company. It is a good feeling.

What am I learning these days? I guess service is very challenging. I am fiercely protective of the kind of work my guys do. I really understand how tricky it can be to provide a service to a client and ensure they are satisfied. Some of our clients are easy going and clearly understand that my guys actually have to use their brains and find solutions in trouble shooting call outs for example. Others are oh so snooty and think they know it. 'Dude, if you know how to sort out the problem, why'd you call us? Did your wife not make you a paratha this morning? Don't take it out on us.' I also have to deal with my techies' frustrations. Sometimes they really complain about a client and sometimes they do not even mention it. It can get pretty random. My goal is to also be on site once in a while, flirt with the customers, tell them a few jokes and so on. It should ease things out.

I am getting acutely aware of my job and responsibility as a manager. I have to m-a-n-a-g-e all this. And guess what? I am really enjoying this.

Things are looking up, dude. Our head is finally above the water and we can see the shore.

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Have a great computing day! Hope your computers compute and your printers print.
Sincerely,
The great people at NLTC.

(Not really - we hope your PCs crash, deadly viruses freeze your LAN, your printers break down, so we may come and repair, re-install, re-format, trouble shoot and save the day.)

We strategise and plan

I thought December was going to be a slow month but it turned out to be a busy one. We added a few clients, sent a team up to Gbarnga to do some maintenance work, installed some equipment, made computers compute, commanded printers to print, and basically ruled.

During the last week of December between the long Christmas and New Year's weekends, I took a couple of days out with my team to strategise, to plan - in other words, to workshop.

My initial plan was to actually plan for the first few months of 2010 as I was busy as hell in November and December with building a pipeline of new clients and business. I knew we were going to get busy. I also wanted to brainstorm ideas on continuing to grow the business. Lastly, I wanted to give and get feedback from the team.

As the whole workshop thing rolled out over the next couple of days, it became an interesting and very dynamic exercise. For it to really work, I had to take a few steps back and take a look at the big picture. 'Who are we?' 'What is it that we are selling to our clients?' 'How do we do it?' You know, all the workshop 'blah blah blah' that makes you usually want to kill yourself (those tedious staff meetings at the UN). But this was different. I was leading the process, it was a smaller team and it actually meant something! Not some development intangibles that we are supposed to achieve by building a latrine or buying a $ 40,000 land cruiser.

We had to break down what it was we actually did, what value we brought to the clients, and where we needed to increase our volume. For instance, we broke down our key areas into maintenance, repairs and call outs and projects. We are doing okay in the first two areas but need to get some juicy project to make a juicy profit which we want to re-invest in the business. Alternatively, if we can get the volume up on the first two areas, we can also do pretty well for ourselves. Eventually, I do want to get into supply of hardware too. 'We supply, install and maintain it for you!'

It was a good exercise and I was pleased with the feedback from the guys. We even did a bit of peer review and apparently, I'm still quite the dragon lady which I need to work on. They are still a bit intimidated with me. I had to swallow my fire and smile back and say sure, I'll work on my temper, no problemo.

Apart from feeling a sense of achievement by having gone through that process with my team - it's hard work, eh? - I was so pleased with myself. It all came pretty naturally to me. I am damn organised. Even my guys said, you're so well planned! I am pleased that I can visualise, see the bigger picture and have a feel for the business. My guys are pleased that although I am not a techie, I can sell the business and bluff my way through.

The other fun bit of was throwing around vocabulary with the guys. I love teaching and seeing people absorb new words. We even have a 'word of the day' (it has to be an IT-related word) going on now which is probably more for my sake.

I can't WAIT to build the team, start creating proper departments, get into supply and build a world-class company. We'll be so freaking cool! And everyone will be jealous.

PS. Did you know there is a WAN, LAN and a PAN? Seriously, there is.
PSS. My guys are great techies. They're actually super tech nerds. The only disturbing thing is their taste in music - gospel! Akon! YiKes!!! No, no. For nerds and techies - it can only be hard rock. Maaaaybe alternative.

2010

I bid farewell to 2009 and welcomed 2010 at Robertsport. It was my first time at Robertsport and I was blown away the pristine white beach, the serenity of the ocean and not to mention the safari-style lodge. It was unreal - I could not believe that I was a mere 2 hours away from the shabby, noisy and congested delights of Monrovia.

I think I could really get into the beach culture.

[Pause]

Most people who know me would think I'm so hilariously (annoyingly, actually) inconsistent. The reason I say it is because I used to go around saying that desi's don't really do the beach. We are already tan. We run away from the sun. Blah blah.

My friends managed to get me into a swim suit and even tried to teach me how to float. And I also went in the sea at Robertsport. I guess I am really changing (and really enjoying it)! Why did the lady protest so much?

So yes, I could really get into the beach culture. Lounge around in a sarong, read books, sip amarula, doze off. Not bad at all.

There was a part of me which was delighted and thrilled to be there in the midst of such beauty with such wonderful friends. And then then there was also a separate torrent of grief and loss within me, missing Wesley, regretting he was not with me, bidding goodbye to a terrible year, in fact, glad to be over with the relentless nuclear-strength nastiness of 2009 that which obliterated almost all of my life and forced me to start a new one.

So there I was, welcoming in 2010 - a wild sea of emotions within me - against the backdrop of a seemingly serene sea and the most glorious of full moons that was aglow with magical moonshine. What a bewitching atmosphere it was. Nostalgic, melancholy, achingly beautiful, warm and promising. This is how my moments have become nowadays, they are multi -coloured, multi-faceted, and deliciously and painfully complex and intense! My God, the intensity!

Perhaps this is how life is - complex, dangerous, wonderful, unpredictable, merciless, shockingly kind and so on. And, one has to take it in one's strides as it moves you along.

The metaphor. A definition. A re-telling, re-description of something, an experience, a vision. I remember writing to myself once that all poetry is re-writing of definitions. All good poems have at least one crowning glory - one image, one concept, one thing that has been re-cast into something else. Poets transform our experiences and feelings into something else, hopefully more sublime or more terrifying. And most often, we seek nature to find our inspiration.

So if I speak of life and its complexity, what better inspiration that the ocean itself? The ocean which is vast and ever changing?

I am sure though that if I had spent the New Year's in the bush, I would be likening my experience to a tree!

I can often hear Wesley's words and voice in my head. A lot of which he had to say and share with me makes sense now. He had really thought about life, happiness, love and the bonds we share with our fellow human beings. I think he was acutely aware of how random, unfair and wonderful life was and, how people put more stock into the unseen than ourselves and our own human capacity. I think of the sweet love which we shared and how natural we were together. I used to think Wesley was different from me but I realise that he was just an older version of me. I think a lot too, am very introverted (although I am consciously trying to be less so), have a few hang ups, and am very suspicious of sacred cows. I wonder whether I shall ever find someone who can challenge me in so many ways again and is yet so easy to be with. I really wonder whether I will ever love someone so madly and deeply again. The only consolation is that when I finally die and if we exist after death, I will see him.

I openly and sincerely welcome whatever 2010 has in store for me. I do not feel alone and I am not scared of the future. I am excited about life and its wonderful and terrible mysteries.

So let us say welcome to 2010!

End of Year Thoughts

Christmas came and went. I thought it was going to be an excruciatingly painful time for me but it was not so bad. I think I had dreaded it enough already and lingered over enough memories. Moreover, as I have been socialising more than ever in my entire life, I had enough stuff lined up to keep me busy. The festive season passed by quickly attending various functions, cooking and eating. I attended a very mellow and relaxed dinner on Christmas Eve with a lot of UN folk. It was amusing to mingle with them, tell them I have gone to the 'other' side and shoot some breeze. It was also really nice to be at that party with many nationalities from the continent.

Christmas Day was a braai hosted by the South Africans and there was also a Secret Santa thing going on too. I had a good time, eating, drinking amarula and being merry - all of it tinged with moments of nostalgia and sweet memories. I ended up camping out at this beautiful house in Congo Town for that whole weekend, lazing by the pool, eating, watching TV, napping, reading books, and enjoying my time with my friends. It was like a little holiday and I'm so grateful to them for just letting me be, comforting me when I needed to be comforted and being really cool.

Speaking of Secret Santa, I got my staff to do it. I told them a week in advance what we were going to do. They were pretty excited. We got the names on slips of paper and went around trying to pick each other's Secret Santa. We kept running into the problem of people picking up their own names. I thought it was a mathematical problem and Linga says, let's number them! But of course, one person still ended up picking up his own number. A visitor who happened to walk in at that moment suggested to us geniuses that the slips of paper should not be picked up at the same time. (I hope no one reads this as we are an IT company and should be good at problem solving.) Anyway, we sorted it out and decided to put a $ 5 cap on the gift.

The visitor who happened to walk in was someone I actually met on Google Liberia expats group. She was volunteering for an NGO and I suggested to her to meet up. So this chick actually comes in to meet our company and we ended up spending the next three evenings together. We hung out, went to Mama Susu's, went to check up on my other Indian friend who had a fire in his building (so much drama, man, that can happen here), went walking, and so on. I love these chance enounters - they're sweet. Or, maybe I am just getting better at meeting and hanging out with people. I suspect it's both.

The office Secret Santa went really well and I was pleased to see how much of an effort everyone made. I had a picture of Kennedy and Patience printed out and framed for Kennedy and I myself got a very sweet 'To my Boss' card framed and signed from Onesimus who is trainee. We opened up our gifts and then, had a staff lunch of joloff rice followed by more food sent by Rebecca, my Liberian mother. I felt good doing it as Wesley used to have this office culture of eating together once a week.

So all in all, Christmas passed by without being that painful. I was distracted enough by all the socialising I did. I also cooked quite a lot - my signature dish that I contributed for the functions was my chicken pilao. It was quite a hit. Although it still stings to know Wesley is not around and I can't cook for him any more but it is still a nice feeling to cook for people and know they are enjoying the food.

What else happened? Oh I pulled a back muscle and couldn't move for a few hours. I felt like an old woman. My Indian friend had to come over and give me acupressure which was shoot-me-painful but did the trick. Not to mention some muscle relaxants too. I spent the evening, propped up on cushions, drinking tea on my lovely balcony, chatting to visitors - all that was missing was a bunch of my own grand children.

We are now up to New Year's. I won't lie - 2010 was the shittiest year of my life. I took off for London to pursue a master's degree but my boyfriend gets murdered back in Liberia and I have to rush back, abandon my masters, deal with all the shit and have his body cremated. I entered into a universe of pain and misery and grief. My whole life gets altered. I lost the love of my life, felt penniless and homeless. I felt hounded by the same dogs of despair and darkness that I was familiar with when I lost my best friend at university.

Friends and well wishers thought I was pretty strong and brave about the whole thing though. I don't know what it was but I felt compelled and driven to take over IT company's. It felt right and somehow the path seemed very clear. I am glad I took it. I feel liberated in a strange way, I feel I am really making my own decisions and will be ready to face the consequences of those decisions. At least they will be my own. I feel I can lead the life without social or other made-up fears. I feel I can hold my chin up and do what I want to do. And, I am grateful for the support along the way - you know what, I never even understood the meaning of support until now. I used to wonder what people went on and on about it but now I finally understand what support is and what it means when people say, I am on your side and will support you in whatever you do.

I still feel grief stricken as hell but the truth is that I am usually too busy now to dwell on it too long. It is literally when I am alone that it really hits me. And, I deal with the waves of grief as they hit me. The next morning, the grief of the night before seems like a distant event. It's sometimes really weird to think about it, that I feel positive and light in the morning after long hours of crying and a terrible sense of loss and loneliness.

Wesley is now like a historical, nostalgic sense of my consciousness. I still remember him physically but he is definitely in my head. His thoughts, his ideas, his jokes and sometimes it flows out of me. Everything reminds me of him. But I have learned to just make his memory and grieving for him part of my daily routine. It's hard to explain it.

People around me remark that I have lost weight. I joke and say, 'grief does that to you.' It's a full-proof method of weight loss. People get a bit flustered but I enjoy the humour of it, it would be right up there with Wesley's sense of humour. Sometimes I talk to him and joke that I have taken over your company and will now run it in my dictatorial style. I wonder what he'd say. But he'd just smile and say well done my darling.

Everyone goes on and on about his smile. He was known as such a nice guy. And I am so glad I had him.

What else? Apparently my written c's look like l's and I need to do something about it. Yeah, I was told this very seriously yesterday evening.

Good bye to my goggles

I just recently got my contact lenses and can put away wearing my ancient, scratched, weary Harry-Potter-looking glasses which I only wear at night. It's nice to not have something on my face all the time and I can wear my shades in the sun. Actually, I am wearing Wesley's sun glasses now. I wore them yesterday on the way to a meeting and felt like him. It was a pretty cool feeling.

The contact lenses had a sweet ride all the way from my trusty optician, Tanveer Optics, F-10/4 to London from my mother to my brother. They changed hands twice in London and made their way down to some chale's in Accra (as Karina would say). A friend of a friend picked up the contacts from Karina's friend's mom. They were then dropped off at a friend's mom in Accra who was coming to Monrovia to meet her daughter. My contacts have truly had a global tour. I hope they picked up some good stories along the way. Now they are snuggled on top of my eye balls helping me to see a bit more clearly!

Moving on from goggles, life goes on and I am busy running the company and building a pipeline of clients and projects for the next year. There are daily challenges, disappointments and moments of success however small they may be. I would never have imagined I would end up running Wesley's company and I would take to the role so quickly. I feel organised, determined and, quite lucid about the whole thing. I know it is a matter of time before all this hard work will bear fruit. And what kind of fruit? We are talking but about a sense of completion, continuity and excellence. I derive the greatest joy from seeing his staff demonstrate their skills, knowledge and enthusiasm.

Speaking of lucidity, a friend of mine was asking me how I deal with the blinding pain. I mulled over the nature of this pain and realised that I was never really blinded or weakened by whatever happened. All those movie cliches never happened to me: fainting, vommiting, madness, scene-making, etc. Yes, the grief hits me every night and I weep and talk to the walls but it's all very private. It's my moments alone with Wesley's memories and our beautiful romance and how much we loved each other. Perhaps I went into a robotic state of mine at one point when I had to accomplish so many tasks related to the morgue, police, paperwork, permissions, finance and funeral arrangements. Even then, if I think about from the moment I heard about what happened to now, I was quite lucid and knew what I had to do. I remember taking a shower before all my friends arrived to be with me. I even cooked for all of them the second or third night. I told this to my SOAS counsellor and she said that it was all from Wesley, knowing what to do and, how to do it. I glowed inside when I heard this analysis.

I guess in all of this ordeal, I know what I have to do, how its going to be and what I want to do. That's my lucidity.

'Lucidity' - its definitely a word I picked up from A Hundred Years Of Solitude:

"Ursula … could not conceal a vague feeling of doubt. Throughout the long history of the family the insistent repetition of names had made her draw some conclusions that seemed to be certain. While the Aurelianos were withdrawn, but with lucid minds, the Jose Arcadios were impulsive and enterprising, but they were marked with a tragic sign."

I was reading an interview of the manager of Taj Hotels on the BBC website today. His words touched me deeply and I completely understood them:

"You talk about running away from the place where the tragedy happened, about running away from grief. What do you run away from? You have to conquer your mind. I had to come back to the hotel to do it.And no, self pity was something that never crossed my mind though.There is destiny and there is free will. And we have to deal with it."

Now how often does that actually happen? Really comprehending the meaning and significance of words uttered by someone.

Wesley-is-gone music

1) White Flag - Dido

2) Fields of Gold - Sting

3) Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

4) Longing - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

5) Ab Raat Guzarne Wali Hai - Lata Mangeshkar

6) Saagar Roye - Noor Jehan

7) Claire de Lune

8) Main Jahan Rahoon - Rahat Ali Khan

9) Khwab - Junoon

10) Journey from A to B - Badly Drawn Boy

11) Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry

12) Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon

13) Mad World - Donnie Darko

14) Ain't No Sunshine - Bill Withers

15) Ain't No Sunshine - Michael Jackson

16) Tere Bin Nahin Lagda Dil - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

17) Love Is A Losing Game - Amy Winehouse

18) How Can You Mend A Broken Heart - Al Green

19) These Foolish Things - Bob Manning

20) Beyond the Sea (La Mer) - Django Reinhardt & Stephane Grappelli

21) Sideways - Santana

22) Samba Pati - Santana

23) Crazy - Gnarls Barkley

24) Paimona - Zeb and Haniya

25) Come Away With Me - Norah Jones

26) Stuck on You - Lionel Richie

27) The Scientist - Coldplay

28) Immortal - Evanescence

29) Tapestry - Carole King

30) O Danny Boy

31) Dream a Little Dream - Mama Cass Elliott

Today I lived and died

Today I lived and died

Moment to moment

From when I awoke

To when I slept.

Passed through the wreckage

Of the past hour

To hopeless melancholy

Of the next.

Resigned myself

To utter lonesome stirrings

Did not find the humour

Of what they share:

The beauty of tragedy

The delight of comedy.

The power of Zeus and the determination of Hera

Open Source Matters

http://newlibtech.com

What's to happen to Wesley's business was the last thing on my mind when I got the news of his death or even as I was making my way out here.

When I did meet his staff, the one thing they expressed with a great amount of zeal was the desire to let the company continue. I was quite happy to hear that at first and kept it at the back of my mind. My initial take on it was to ensure that I set the office up somewhere else as the current premises were too expensive and to hand it over to the main technical guy, Wez's right hand. After I got done with the last rites and sent Wez's ashes back to South Africa, I realised that the only person who could really manage the business was - guess what - me. His technical guy is very good but a bit young and needs supervision and guidance.

After the cremation and handing over of the ashes to a friend to take back to South Africa, I gave myself a weekend to do absolutely nothing. I was being hosted by a family who were very good friends of Wez and I. Their house is in a luxurious compound next to the ocean. I have my own bedroom and bathroom and was able to hide myself from the world. I had a miserable weekend, felt really sorry for myself and excruciatingly missed Wez. I realised that the typical mourning would not do. I would probably fall into a 'depths of despair' kind of depression if I sat doing nothing, crying and looking at pictures, smelling his clothes, going over all the if's and but's, and reading the dorky poems I used to write for him, about him.

Well anyway, so I have sort of quasi decided - more or less decided - fervently decided that running Wez's business is my raison d'etre. It'll give me some structure and purpose.

Now, I've seen Wesley build this business from scratch and was by his side at every step of the way. I have watched him develop business contacts - he believed in doing business after developing cordial and trustworthy relationships. I watched him design his company logo. I watched him set up his office, the office procedures, the tech room. I watched him train young high school graduates with the kind of patience, kindness and dedication that I have never seen before. I was always proud of him and that he was probably doing more for young Liberians than even the international blah blah's were doing. He picked up people from the street and trained them in something as sophisticated as setting up a V-SAT dish. Even his 'small' staff like the security know how to set up a computer. I listened with adoration as he explained his vision and dream for his company, his love of technology, writing code, how to do business and how to deal with problems. His overarching principle was trust and respect. I always appreciated and admired his honesty and dignity. As time went along, the business did flounder and I hoped it would pick up and he would bear the fruits of his hard work and sacrifice. I wanted nothing more than for him to succeed and enjoy his success.

Therefore, it was extremely hard to be separated from Wesley this last year in London. It was difficult to leave his side and go do my thing even though he utterly supported my endeavour. The only reason I was going to do the masters was so I could chase a UN career. I have pangs of guilt and pain that he was alone here and left this world alone. He was the closest person to me in the world. He was utterly part of my consciousness, my being and my dreams. I utterly believed in us, I believed he was the reason, and I found It with him. Freaking hell, we met at an airport! We were so meant to be together. To grow old together until our teeth fell out as he joked. You know that crowning romantic Bollywood Lata and Mukesh song 'Khabhi Khabhi' - it it says that I believe that you were made for me, that you were called to earth just for me. When you believe you were made for each other and your other half dies, it really fucks you up.

And I am sorry he died like this, that I was not here and he is gone from me. It hurts in so many ways and degrees I cannot explain it even to myself.

So grief aside, the running of the business has seemingly fallen into my lap and I feel happy and thrilled with the idea that I can keep his business and legacy alive. In fact, right from the beginning I assured clients that it was going to be 'business as usual' and we would continue to provide the low-cost, high quality services as before. I shifted offices in my usual organised, methodological manner. After my weekend of feeling sorry for myself, I put my mind to the business. I started chasing new business, seeking contacts, bugging people, getting behind the staff and so on.

I still do not have electricity in the office but found a very creative solution to get us powered until we are connected with LEC (Liberia Electricity Corporation). We ran a cable from our neighbour's kitchen and set up NLTC temporarily in the middle of the 'yard' with the sun beating on our heads. I am getting wireless internet from one of our neighbours. They're a big company here so they were happy to help me out. Now, I have run a cable from another neighbour's and have set up my office - good thing we have so many extensions. And, I am impressed with my guys, they really know their stuff. Wesley taught them well. I swear, when I was set up in my office, with the fan blowing in my face, my laptop connect to the WWW, my guys able to access the server and pumping out proposals and invoices, I felt as powerful as Zeus! I felt on top of the world!

It's been two or three weeks since I have really started running the business. I have about half a dozen new clients - maybe even more - and much more in the pipeline. The staff is incredibly loyal, very well trained and top of their stuff. They are freaking IT professionals, man. I am so proud of them and whatever Wesley achieved until now. And, it seems I have a knack for this. I totally love doing this.

I love overcoming the challenges, the sticky situations, difficult people, finding solutions every day. Some days are tougher than others but it's all part of the game. I feel alive, resourceful, motivated, driven and extremely passionate. I love feeling extremely exhausted at the end of the day and going to la la land as soon as my head hits the pillow. I do not have to think about my pain and grief and just focus on the future.

I feel like I am in his shoes and ever so close to him. It is so therapeutic. I love being close to his staff which are now my staff, my team, my people. Some of them have even picked up his habits and mannerisms, it's so cute. His main guy Linga has nearly picked up all the mannerisms. The way he uses his hands to explain something, his way of joking and teasing other colleagues and making people comfortable around him.

There are some people here who have been with us since 2003/2004! Can you imagine. The security still remember the time I used to tell them about my boyfriend whom I met in Jordan/Iraq. These security guards are now are company security.

I love the idea of this company and where it could go. If I can keep it alive and help it to survive and even thrive, it'll be something, eh?

This is my path to solace and peace and finding myself again. *

* Note on 'myself' - I am not sure whether I'll find the old myself again or another one is going to replace the old one. I changed a lot after the death of my best friend and surely, I will change after Wesley. Jodie Foster's character in "The Brave One" becomes a stranger after her fiance is murdered brutally. She finds a stranger within herself. I don't find a stranger within myself but I know I have changed. And I'll continue to see the changes within myself.

Lonely thoughts of despair and sorrow

There is a world of difference between how I imagine the world 'should' behave and how they actually behave. Despite the fact that I try to hold myself up to high standards of conduct or at least how I think should behave and present myself, I find that the 'world' does not see it so.

I find it very amusing that in such a traumatic time, people are so determined to dish out extremely detailed advice to me. Some do not even bother to ask me what I would like to do.

At the end of it, I know I have to find a path which will eventually lead me to some kind of peace and solace. I do not even know what this path will be but I have to find this path. I have friends to support me but as I used to say to myself before, friends are companions on paths we walk alone. I always had a very morose view of things but guess what, life has certainly showed me the awful, ugly and horrible more than once now. I have been shown how fragile and dangerous life actually is. I feel like I have been thrown into a dark pit of despair once again.

There is nothing nothing beautiful about this. I missed him for a year, I had just about fallen part, unravelled at being alone and away from Wesley. I missed him every day, every night. I was so happy with him. We struggled to be together. We moved three continents to be together. Despite all the hardships we faced, we were happy together and knew each other and were natural together. And now he's gone. From me forever. I shall never hold him or be in those arms which I longed for this whole year away from him. He was taken so cruelly from me. I came back to an empty Liberia, a dark Monrovia without him. That night I arrived in Monrovia, I arrived in a dark RIA, heart broken that Wesley would not be outside the gate waiting for me as usual.

I was sitting by the beach the other day and thought to myself that, yes, the ocean is immense enough to hold my grief and all the tears that I still have not cried yet. The next evening, it was a darker and stormer sea which felt like the darkness, the jungle that swallowed up Wesley. It menacingly thrashed on the shore and I felt scared and lost.

My heart still does not know what has really happened. I do not know what life is trying to tell me.

Wez would always encourage me, give it to me straight and want me to do the right thing. He really taught me how to live. I also know that one's life is one's own. I am going to continue to try to do the right thing but also live for myself.

I hope to find this path and I am sure it will reveal itself to me soon.

Wesley is dead

In a few days it'll be a month since Wesley died. He was brutally killed in Monrovia on 6 September.

I am writing these words from Monrovia. In one day, my life completely changed.

I do not even have words to describe or relate what actually happened and, what it signifies for me. I go around saying, my worst fears came true. I should have never gone to London, the killer city where the last time I was at university my best friend died. I feel like I have lost everything. I have lost the love of my life, the joy of my life. I feel like half of me is gone. I feel like saying life really does stink, it's random and totally unfair. It reaffirms everything I went through emotionally, philosophically, religiously the last time I lost someone so tragically. I feel like shouting obscenities at this non-existent Being. And boy, the religious platitudes and patronising get on my nerves. I know people mean well and this is the only way people deal with grief and loss. This is the contextual framework to find Meaning. Just give me a religion which says, 'life stinks, life is full of suffering, and we all suffer and die.' But please don't tell me it is for the best or it was his time or it's part of God's plan. I mean, that just makes me wish I could have died too or my plane crashed. And 'life goes on.' Of course it goes on. I haven't killed myself yet so yes, it does go on. I'll be fine, probably even start to thrive at some point but I'll never understand or accept it. So what's the quality of that life? What's the point of fucking me over like that? What's the point of driving me over the edge? Or anyone else who would take it so personally as I would. I don't have and will never have cosmic greatness to accept and make sense of it. I never did with my friend and never will with this. I will never yield to an entity which expects me to accept this, not question it and continue to worship His Holy Ass and His Ways. Just please dish me out a nihilistic faith. Please keep ga ga to yourself.

I am still in shock, in a kind of numbness and emptiness that has sucked out any soul or spirit I may have.

There is something so final about death. On top of it, I have to deal with the idea that my Wesley Jaan, whom I loved so madly and utterly, from the top of his head to his toes, from his delicious dark complexity to his most overwhelming sweetness and gentleness, was taken so violently from me. I go mad thinking about his last moments. I kill myself thinking about it. That they killed him so mercilessly and that he left this life like that. That he was fighting for his life.

I know he's gone. He's nowhere to be seen. I even went to see his body. I've seen his body been preserved and dressed up for a chapel service. I have seen people weep at his cremation. I have been with the pandit to collect the ashes. But I feel so numb. I want to cry and I can't cry. I want him to come through the door. I want him in the lonely hours at night and especially when I wake up. I wake up and know instantly - it's the first thought that comes into my head - it's a morning, a day, a life without Wesley.